Are you worried about your belly, Rub it and remove monthly Blues :)

Ladies, we all know PMS is no treat. Instead of popping pills that cause wacky side effects-and that also muck up our drinking water-alleviate symptoms with a solution Mama Nature would approve:Buddha Nose Girl Balm.

The beeswax salve is all the rage among ladies in Japan, but it's now growing in popularity Stateside. Join the belly-rubbing craze and dab some on. It's organic; essential oils like sage, rose, and ginger encourage hormonal balance to keep our-and our water's-pH balance in check. Twenty bucks gets you a mighty cute and reusable, 1-ounce tin.::ecofabulous

HOW TO REMOVE WARTS NATURALLY WITH ASPIRIN AND COMMON HOUSEHOLD ITEMS

Warts happen. Don't feel bad about it if they happen to you. They don't make you icky, they don't make you diseased, they don't make you anything bad at all. They're simply a normal thing that happens to skin and they happen at any age. However, thanks to our perfectionist standards of beauty, you have every right to want to get warts removed from your skin when they do pop up.

Before you go running to the drug store to get some over-the-counter medicine that comes in soon-to-be-trash packaging (and required the expelling of pollution during its production), why not try to rid yourself of warts naturally? You might have some things around the house that could help you get rid of your warts, believe it or not.

Here are some natural wart remedies you should try:

Aloe

Try rubbing some aloe over your wart and securing it against the wart with a band-aid.

Aspirin

Dissolve the Aspirin in water and rub the mixture all over the wart. Yum!

Baking Soda

Rub baking soda all over the wart. Do this 3 times daily.

Other things to try rubbing (and leaving) on the wart:

Banana Peel

Onion

Garlic

Lemon Juice

Glue

Chalk

Papaya

Pineapple

Potato

Tape

You'd be surprised at some of the natural things that can help to remove a wart if you just give them a try.

Breast cancer drug toxic to brain cells and central nervous system

 Researchers have revealed that the breast cancer drug tamoxifen is toxic to cells of the brain and central nervous system, and produces mental fogginess similar to "chemo brain."

Corresponding author Mark Noble, Ph.D., professor of Biomedical Genetics and director of the UR Stem Cell and Regenerative Medicine Institute, said that it is exciting to potentially be able to prevent a toxic reaction to one of the oldest and most widely used breast cancer medications on the market.

Although tamoxifen is relatively benign compared to most cancer treatments, it nonetheless produces troubling side effects in a subset of the large number of people who take it.

By studying tamoxifen's impact on central nervous system cell populations and then screening a library of 1,040 compounds already in clinical use or clinical trials, his team identified a substance known as AZD6244, and showed that it essentially eliminated tamoxifen-induced killing of brain cells in mice.

Noble's team first identified central nervous system (CNS) cells that are most vulnerable to tamoxifen toxicity. Chief among these were oligodendrocyte-type 2 astrocyte progenitor cells (O-2A/OPCs), cells that are essential for making the insulating sheaths (called myelin) required for nerve cells to work properly.

Exposure to clinically relevant levels of tamoxifen for 48 hours killed more than 75 percent of these cells.

The study has been published in the Journal of Neuroscience.

LOVE HORMONE... Let's see, how it works

The hormone, oxytocin, could play a role in treating psychiatric disorders such as autism and schizophrenia, a new study has revealed.

According to the study conducted by Dr David Cochran of University of Massachusetts Medical School and his colleagues, oxytocin is an important regulator of human social behaviors.

The study also revealed that the hormone can also be useful for treating certain mental health diagnoses, particularly those which involve impaired social functioning.

A growing body of evidence in animals and humans has revealed that oxytocin, probably most familiar for its role in initiating labor and breast milk flow in pregnant women, plays an important role in regulating social behaviors.

Based on these effects, researchers have suspected that oxytocin may be a common factor in certain psychiatric disorders. The reviewers analyze the evidence for oxytocin's involvement in specific disorders-including some early research on oxytocin as a potential treatment for these conditions.

"The evidence suggests a role of oxytocin in the pathophysiology of some psychiatric disorders, particularly those characterized by impairments in social functioning," Dr Cochran and coauthors wrote.

Though the preliminary nature of the currently available data precludes a clear understanding of the exact nature of the hormone's role, the study showed that proper clinical trials would be able to provide a better understanding of the extent and limitations of the clinical effects of externally delivered oxytocin.

The study was published in Harvard Review of Psychiatry.

Do you know, Microbes are sometimes Useful too...

A new study has revealed that gut microbes may hold the key to deal with significant health problems faced by people in the world today.

Researchers of Oregon State University have found that problems such as autoimmune disease, to clinical depression, and simple obesity may in fact be linked to immune dysfunction that begins with a "failure to communicate" in the human gut.

Dr Natalia Shulzhenko said that the human gut plays a huge role in immune function and it is little appreciated by people who think its only role is digestion.

Shulzhenko said that the combined number of genes in the microbiota genome is 150 times larger than the person in which they reside.

She said that an emerging theory of disease is a disruption in the "crosstalk" between the microbes in the human gut and other cells involved in the immune system and metabolic processes.

Shulzhenko said that in a healthy person, these microbes in the gut stimulate the immune system as needed, and it in turn talks back.

She added that the increasing disruption of these microbes caused by modern lifestyle, diet, overuse of antibiotics and other issues is breaking down this "conversation."

The study was published in Clinical Reviews in Allergy and Immunology.

Now That's what we call Awareness... New HIV infections down 33 percent since 2001: UN

Geneva: A UN report Monday said new HIV infections among adults and children were estimated at 2.3 million in 2012, down 33 percent from 2001.

New HIV infections among children have been reduced more than half from 2001 to reach 260,000 in 2012, while AIDS-related deaths have dropped by 30 percent since the peak in 2005 as access to antiretroviral treatment expands, Xinhua reported citing a latest report released by the Joint United Nations Programme on HIV/AIDS (UNAIDS).

Standard antiretroviral therapy consists of the combination of at least three antiretroviral drugs to maximally suppress the HIV virus and stop the progression of HIV disease.

In 2011, UN member states set a target of reaching 15 million people with HIV treatment by 2015.

The report said, by the end of 2012, 9.7 million people in low and middle-income countries were accessing antiretroviral therapy, an increase of nearly 20 percent in just one year.

Moreover, the World Health Organisation set new HIV treatment guidelines this June, expanding the total number of people estimated to need treatment by more than 10 million.

"Not only can we meet the 2015 target of 15 million people on HIV treatment, we must also go beyond and have the vision and commitment to ensure no one is left behind," UNAIDS Executive Director Michel Sidibe said in a statement.

Significant results have also been achieved toward meeting the needs of tuberculosis (TB) patients living with HIV, as TB-related deaths among people living with HIV have declined by 36 percent since 2004, the report said.

However, the report noted that slow progress was made in ensuring the respect of human rights, securing access to HIV services for people at risk of HIV infection, particularly people who use drugs, and in preventing violence against women and girls.

Besides, gender inequality, punitive laws and discriminatory action are continuing to hamper national responses to HIV and concerted efforts were needed to address these persistent obstacles to the scale-up of HIV services for people most in need, the report said.

And the Beat Goes On

It has been said that music feeds the soul. It is also said that music is a universal language, understood by all. Music serves a number of purposes ranging from communication to simple enjoyment. Not only that, but research also suggests that music can play an important role in deterring and minimizing the affects of age-related cognitive dysfunctions.

Decades of research has implied a direct correlation between the development of neural pathways associated with not only hearing and feeling the sound and rhythm of music, but also the process of learning to play musical instruments.

Scientific research implies that brain development begins as early as the third week from conception and continues well into an adult’s twenties. The human brain is far more plastic during early development than in later life. So how might music relate to the development of the brain and cognitive neural responses of older adults?

Although there is little evidence to suggest that a fetus truly reacts to the sound of music, there appears to be a correlation between learning to play a musical instrument such as the piano and the development of spatial recognition perception in young children. The enhancement of neural connectivity associated with hand and eye coordination as a child learns to play an instrument suggests that musical training can have a long-term effect on the ability to process and understand the meaning and exchange of words.

Neurological deficiencies associated with the aging process describe a litany of disorders ranging from short-term memory loss to the slow decay of response time. Evidence suggests that the aging process reduces inhibitory neurotransmitter levels and dampens neural processing. Yet, further evidence reveals a link between previous musical training during childhood and a reduction in the degenerative neural processes associated with aging.

One particular study suggests that the nervous system is essentially changed in those individuals who had received early childhood training in music (for at least three years duration), and that these neural alterations continued into adulthood even if the training was discontinued (a minimum of seven years later).

Given this link, it could be that time reaction delays can be reversed through neural auditory training processes. A recent study theorized that cognitive training through auditory processes could re-establish — to some extent — age-related insufficiencies in temporal dispensation in the brain. And in turn, the associated plasticity of the brain could serve to encourage enhanced perception and cognitive abilities.

The study’s findings found that even short-term training induced neural plasticity in older adults in fundamental aspects of biological auditory processing. The results demonstrated that declines in neural temporal precision, normally associated with the aging processes found in older adults, were to some extent reversed. Improvements were also noted in short-term memory, processing speed, and sensitivity of speech.

Efforts such as these to understand the brain’s response to reduced inhibitory neurotransmitter levels and a reduction in neural processing as it relates to age-related dysfunction has led to research the possible role that music can and does play in slowing and possibly reducing these outcomes. It may be that music feeds a lot more than just the soul.

References

Anderson S, Parbery-Clark A, White-Schwoch T, & Kraus N (2012). Aging affects neural precision of speech encoding. The Journal of neuroscience : the official journal of the Society for Neuroscience, 32 (41), 14156-64 PMID: 23055485

Anderson S, White-Schwoch T, Parbery-Clark A, & Kraus N (2013). Reversal of age-related neural timing delays with training. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America, 110 (11), 4357-62 PMID: 23401541

Pujol J, Vendrell P, Junqué C, Martí-Vilalta JL, & Capdevila A (1993). When does human brain development end? Evidence of corpus callosum growth up to adulthood. Annals of neurology, 34 (1), 71-5 PMID: 8517683

Skoe E, & Kraus N (2012). A little goes a long way: how the adult brain is shaped by musical training in childhood. The Journal of neuroscience : the official journal of the Society for Neuroscience, 32 (34), 11507-10 PMID: 22915097

Image via Rick Lord / Shutterstock.

Uncontrolled Blood Pressure, Genetic Risk, and Alzheimer’s Disease

A new article published in JAMA: Neurology demonstrates a link between genetics, Alzheimer’s disease, and vascular problems.

There continues to be a large focus within dementia research to understand the link between heart health and brain health. This also is a growing area of research not only because most societies are aging (i.e., the average age of the population increases as people live longer and have fewer children) but also because many societies struggle with increasing obesity rates. Obesity and heart disease are strongly linked.

In addition, it has been well-established that people who have higher blood pressure are at greater risk of cognitive decline in old age and at greater risk for developing dementia. Such decline or dementia are believed to be caused, at least in part by, acute or chronic changes to the white matter of the brain. These changes are typically called small or silent strokes by physicians and are visible on magnetic resonance images (MRI) or CT scans. Due to the prevalence of white matter disease in dementia, diagnostic criteria for Alzheimer’s disease have been updated within the past few years to focus more on the role that cerebrovascular disease plays in the Alzheimer’s disease process.

In terms of genetics, the best-verified risk factor for Alzheimer’s disease relates to the apolipoprotein E4 (ApoE) genotype. Individuals who have two copies of the ApoE4allele have up to a 12-fold increase risk for developing Alzheimer’s disease.

In order to officially diagnose someone as having Alzheimer’s disease, a postmortem pathology examination must be performed on the brain with results demonstrating the presence of groups of proteins called beta-amyloid (plaques) and what are called tau-driven neurofibrillary tangles (basically a twisting and changing of part of the internal structure of neurons – brain cells). While confirming the presence of these plaques and tangles requires pathological dissection, a type of brain scan called positron emission tomography (PET) imaging can be used to look at amount of beta-amyloid plaque build-up in living people.

What the researchers wanted to investigate is whether there is a link between having high blood pressure, the amount of beta-amyloid plaque people without Alzheimer’s disease have, and genetic risk (ApoE4). The researchers found weak and non-significant evidence that people with at least one ApoE4 allele had more plaque build-up in their brains as did people with hypertension. More importantly and significantly, those who had both genetic (ApoE4) and vascular (hypertension) risk had significantly more plaque in their brains. Further analyses showed that people without controlled high blood pressure were the ones who had the most plaque in their brains, on average. Again, the study population included middle-age and older adults without dementia at time of study participation.

What this study demonstrates is that middle- and old-aged people without cognitive difficulties who have genetic risk of developing Alzheimer’s disease (ApoE4 alleles) and who have high blood pressure show much more Alzheimer’s pathology in their brains. Much of this difference is driven by people who do not have well-controlled high blood pressure, meaning that if people have genetic risk of Alzheimer’s disease but do a good job of controlling blood pressure (keeping it under 140/90) do not have much more Alzheimer’s pathology than those without genetic risk and without (or with controlled) high blood pressure.

In summary, middle-age adults who have genetic risk factor for Alzheimer’s disease and who do not control high blood pressure are likely at much higher risk for developing Alzheimer’s disease later in life than those who keep blood pressure under control.

References

Rodrigue KM, Rieck JR, Kennedy KM, Devous MD, Diaz-Arrastia R, & Park DC (2013). Risk Factors for ?-Amyloid Deposition in Healthy Aging: Vascular and Genetic Effects. JAMA neurology, 70 (5), 600-6 PMID: 23553344

Image via Juan Gaertner / Shutterstock.

Autism Across the Ages

The cause of autism is not completely understood, but several risk factors have been identified that are associated with its occurrence, including advanced age of both mothers and fathers. Now, a new study reveals that advanced age of grandparents may also predispose children to autism.

The study, published in JAMA Psychiatry, evaluated multiple generations of people born in Sweden since 1932. The researchers obtained parental age and grandparental age at the time of birth for nearly 6000 children with a diagnosis of autism and an additional 31,000 control cases. A significant association was found between older grandfathers and childhood autism. Men who fathered a daughter after the age of 50 were 1.79 times more likely to have a grandchild with autism, compared with men who fathered a child between the ages of 20 and 24. Men who fathered a son after the age of 50 were 1.67 times more likely to have a grandchild with autism.

The authors concluded that the risk of autism may develop over generations, owing to genetic mutations or alterations in male sperm cells that are passed on to offspring. Possibly, these alterations remain silent in the first generation of offspring, but will get passed on to future generations where they interact with other risk factors or environmental conditions until a disorder manifests itself.

Several studies have reported the link between advanced parental age and autism in children, but this is among the first to link grandfathers with a risk of autism. Men who fathered children after the age of 50 were 2.2 times more likely to have a child with autism, according to an analysis by some of the same researchers as the grandparental age study. Similarly, mothers who had children after the age of 35 were 1.31 times more likely to have a child with autism. A separate study reported that the risk of autism increased significantly with every 10-year increase in maternal and paternal age.

Advanced age of fathers and grandfathers has also been linked to other psychiatric diagnoses. For example, the risk of schizophrenia for offspring doubles when a man fathers a child after the age of 55. Children of maternal grandfathers who fathered children after the age of 55 have a 2.79-fold risk of schizophrenia.

The current study highlights the complex nature of autism and how it develops. The increased risk of autism identified by this group is still small, but it suggests that fathers’ and grandfathers’ lifestyle and reproductive choices can affect future progeny. Of course, many factors affect the health of a genome, and simply having old parents or grandparents should not be the only factor that limits the decision to have children. But, findings such as these remind us that the circle of life is not a perfect, unbroken system. The genome is a living, changing entity that evolves and adapts to environmental conditions, disease, and lifestyle exposures to affect, if not our own future, the future of our descendants.

References

Croen LA, Najjar DV, Fireman B, & Grether JK (2007). Maternal and paternal age and risk of autism spectrum disorders. Archives of pediatrics & adolescent medicine, 161 (4), 334-40 PMID: 17404129

Frans EM, McGrath JJ, Sandin S, Lichtenstein P, Reichenberg A, Långström N, & Hultman CM (2011). Advanced paternal and grandpaternal age and schizophrenia: a three-generation perspective. Schizophrenia research, 133 (1-3), 120-4 PMID: 22000939

Frans EM, Sandin S, Reichenberg A, Långström N, Lichtenstein P, McGrath JJ, & Hultman CM (2013). Autism risk across generations: a population-based study of advancing grandpaternal and paternal age. JAMA psychiatry (Chicago, Ill.), 70 (5), 516-21 PMID:23553111

Hultman CM, Sandin S, Levine SZ, Lichtenstein P, & Reichenberg A (2011). Advancing paternal age and risk of autism: new evidence from a population-based study and a meta-analysis of epidemiological studies. Molecular psychiatry, 16 (12), 1203-12 PMID:21116277

Sandin S, Hultman CM, Kolevzon A, Gross R, MacCabe JH, & Reichenberg A (2012). Advancing maternal age is associated with increasing risk for autism: a review and meta-analysis. Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 51 (5), 477-4860 PMID: 22525954

Brotherly Love? Sibling Bullying Is Underestimated

The day my second son was born, a nurse — who had raised two boys of her own — offered advice: “When they get upset with each other, let them fight it out. They won’t kill each other.” She also added: “Just make sure they fight outside, so they don’t get blood on your carpet.” Fights between siblings, even physically violent ones, are expected –- and accepted –- in society, but is this attitude appropriate and healthy? A new study reports that sibling bullying is under-recognized, and it can have serious adverse consequences for mental health and overall well-being.

Researchers from the University of New Hampshire interviewed nearly 3600 adolescents aged 10 to 17 years and caregivers of children aged 9 and under. The interviews were conducted as part of the National Survey of Children’s Exposure to Violence, and the study, published online by the journal Pediatrics, is one of the first to use a nationally representative sample to address the occurrence and consequences of sibling bullying.

Each child in the study had at least one sibling under age 18 living at home. Participants were asked if the adolescent or child had been bullied –- defined as physical assault, property victimization, or psychological aggression –- by a sibling in the past year. They were also asked if the adolescent or child experienced anger, depression, or anxiety in the previous month.

In all, 8% of the adolescents and children experienced at least two types of bullying. Children who were even mildly physically assaulted had higher levels of mental distress than adolescents who were assaulted. Outcomes did not differ between groups for other types of bullying. Any type of sibling aggression predicted worse mental health.

Despite society-wide efforts to stop bullying at school and online, very little attention is paid to sibling relationships. A small survey of 27 sibling pairs reported that 78% of children reported being bullied by their siblings, and 85% reported being perpetrators of bullying at some point. Another study reported that as many as half of all siblings are bullied every month and up to 20% are bullied every week. Involvement in sibling bullying increased the risk of involvement in school bullying, and children involved in both school and sibling bullying were 14 times more likely to experience behavioral or emotional problems compared to those involved in bullying in one or no settings.

Those who love us the most can hurt us the most, and this is markedly true in relationships with siblings. Siblings will almost undoubtedly experience rivalry, jealousy, anger, and resentment at some point in their childhood and adolescence. But, these feelings should be managed by healthy communication and emotional outlets. Parents can promote and support positive sibling relationships, rather than tolerating violence or hostility that can lead to negative mental health consequences and decrease the well-being of children and the entire family.

According to the authors of the current study, parents should act as mediators in cases of sibling bullying, as well as teach and model constructive conflict resolution skills. So far, my boys haven’t spilled any blood on my carpet, or elsewhere. That I know of.

References

Ensor R, Marks A, Jacobs L, & Hughes C (2010). Trajectories of antisocial behaviour towards siblings predict antisocial behaviour towards peers. Journal of child psychology and psychiatry, and allied disciplines, 51 (11), 1208-16 PMID: 20584100

Menesini E, Camodeca M, & Nocentini A (2010). Bullying among siblings: the role of personality and relational variables. The British journal of developmental psychology, 28(Pt 4), 921-39 PMID: 21121475

Skinner JA, & Kowalski RM (2013). Profiles of sibling bullying. Journal of interpersonal violence, 28 (8), 1726-36 PMID: 23348680

Tucker CJ, Finkelhor D, Turner H, & Shattuck A (2013). Association of sibling aggression with child and adolescent mental health. Pediatrics, 132 (1), 79-84 PMID: 23776124

Wolke D, & Skew AJ (2012). Bullying among siblings. International journal of adolescent medicine and health, 24 (1), 17-25 PMID: 22909908

From Superstition to Psychological Anarchy

Skinner was able to produce superstitious behavior in pigeons by rewarding them arbitrarily for no particular behavior. These pigeons had, in the past, learned that reinforcement was contingent upon behavior — similar to human beings — who learn, for example, that pay is contingent on work or that friendship is contingent on some loyalty. Do superstitious beliefs result from mental acts that are primitive in their use of reason?

Can superstition truly be considered a behavior, when it mainly involves unobservable mental rather than physical action? Perhaps, but we do understand that superstition in people involves firm mental associations between behavior and belief. Belief is not generated scientifically. It has arbitrary emotional components, for example. An athlete wearing his “lucky socks” at a baseball game emerges with superstitious behavior due to the fact that this “luck” regarding his socks is perceived by the athlete, even when it is based upon chance rewarding of chance behavior.

There are intentional mental acts that could be defined as behavior if the definition of behavior did not generally imply action that is observable by the five senses. Cognitive theorists would agree that mental acts, as constituted by thought, are covert behavior.

Reason does not determine belief. People may believe whatever appeals most to them, with little thought of rational aspects or consequences of belief. Perception — implicated in belief — involves mental skewing of information that is derived from sensory experience. While perception is not fact, it continually impacts belief and is always an interpretation of sensory experience. It is the baseball player’s perception of his situation and the circumstances that entail “luck”, for example, that constitute his basis for belief. Very few people — perhaps none — have consistent belief systems which represent a world view.

Like Skinner’s pigeons, it’s the individual’s perception of sensory information derived from the environment that results in superstitious belief. The Heisenberg principle postulates that an individual’s observation of the world may change how the environment “responds” to him or her. It’s an interesting idea that our perceptions shape our reality and our perceptions can alter what we see.

Psychosis and delusions, in particular, that are reinforced by chance events, amount to something similar to cultivation of superstition as defined by Skinner, but with recognition of a cognitive element. Psychotic ideas or delusions can find arbitrary “responses” from the environment. Superstitious behavior, based upon faulty cognition and beliefs, are common.

Punitive experience, such as delusional thought, is not reinforced and, in fact, may be punished. In terms of the psychotic individual finding evidence for his delusions in his environment, there exists a rational problem in that this perceived “evidence” is not rewarding, and, due to its punitive qualities, it should not persist.

But, although delusional experience may not produce observable rewards, some aspects of delusional experience are rewarding: delusions of grandeur, erotomanic delusions, delusions of reference, and even delusions of persecution. Such delusions can allow one to feel a sense of importance, and this may be rewarding to individuals who may feel sidelined from society.

There exists the reality that the schizophrenic will receive punitive experience based on his own perception of the world. However, vigilance and awareness of danger in one’s environment can be reinforced through belief that such vigilance, constituted at times by paranoia, renders one safer.

It’s worth remembering that there is a visceral and automatic quality of delusions and hallucinations. Behavior, in a strict sense of that which is observed by one’s senses, may differ significantly from the “behavior” represented by automatic thoughts or delusions and the visceral experience of hallucinations.

Much psychotic experience and delusional material are based upon primitive understanding of the world, leaving little basis on which a schizophrenic might understand his false sensory experience. Indeed, to be told that what you seem to sense is not reality is terrifying. Delusions can be punitive, leading to learned helplessness and perhaps even to reduced frontal lobe activity, but the effort to find reinforcement while adhering to delusional perspectives may be compelling, if only in that the psychotic individual may feel that he will be able to “prove’ the legitimacy of his perspective, and thereby earn respect that is not forthcoming as he remains in the shadow of stigmatization as a “psychotic” individual.

Clearly, this implicates labeling and stigma as they are associated with mental illness. If mentally ill psychotic individuals were not denigrated by others in society, perhaps there would be less of a need in these affected individuals to “prove” that they can be understood, that they can legitimately receive empathy and can feel themselves to be human beings. The consequences of alienation are emotionally destructive, and prescribed for the mentally ill at this time is a kind of psychological anarchy on the level of the self. Clinicians may be able to discern in this an initial attitude in treating psychotic individuals compassionately and therapeutically.

There perhaps exists a need in schizophrenics for validation. If schizophrenics were more consistently validated and less damaged by the societal grip of stigma, there might be a lessening in the amount of delusional, albeit superstitious, beliefs held by this group in general.

How to talk to a parent who has lost their child

The soul destroying agony of your child dying is only truly known and understood by those who have endured it. Four years on, I still glance down at my daughter's grave in disbelief. Visiting my child’s grave is surreal. It’s almost like I’ve vacated my body and I’m watching someone I don’t know standing there putting flowers down.

Is this really my life?

Only a parent understands the powerful bond you have with your child; that absolute undying love you have and that monumental desire that roars like an open fire inside you to protect that child at all costs. It is openly said that a parent will lay down their life for their child, but it is not until you have your own that you truly understand these fierce emotions. Parenting is wearing your heart on the outside of your body. Whatever you imagine it might be like to have your child die, multiply that by about a trillion and you’re probably not even close.

On the surface it appears society is accepting of this unbearable sadness and people are supportive and open to talking about it. However, in my situation, I’ve been surprised by people’s genuine kindness and empathy as much as I’ve been repeatedly shocked and disappointed by their lack of it. It’s necessary for bereaved parents to be able to talk openly. I’ve found it’s the only thing that dispels the trauma.

Sure, friends and family have been supportive, but it seems there is a mandate for how long their unwavering support, patience, understanding, concern, and empathy lasts. The truth is, the situation is so unbearably sad that it becomes too emotionally draining on the other person.

The realization that they can’t fix your sadness sets in, the frustration builds because not even they can see an end in sight, then gradually it starts to impede on the happiness in their life. They haven’t lost their child so why should they spend all their time feeling sad about yours?

I will, for the sake of all the other parents out there with empty arms, write 10 things I wish people knew about the loss of a child. Maybe one of my points will make a difference to a bereaved parent’s life.

1. Four years on I get up every day with the exact same sadness I had the day Ella died. The only difference is I’m more skilled at hiding it and I’m much more used to the agony of my broken heart. The shock has somewhat lessened, but I do still find myself thinking I can’t believe this happened. I thought that only happened to other people. You asked how I was in the beginning yet you stopped, why? Where did you get the information on what week or month was good to stop asking?

2. Please don’t tell me that all you want is for me to be happy again. Nobody wants that more than I do, but it’s something that can only be achieved with time. On top of that, I have to find a new happiness. The happiness I once felt, that carefree feeling, will never return in its entirety. It also helps to have the patience and understanding from loved ones.

3. Please don’t say "I want the old Sam back!" Or, "I can see the old Sam coming back!" Sam’s not coming back. This is who I am now. If you only knew the horror I witnessed and endured, you would know it’s not humanly possible for me to ever be the same person again. Losing a child changes who you are. I’ve been told my eyes look haunted.

There is nobody that misses the “old Sam” more than me. But I’m mourning two deaths here; my daughter’s and my former self.

4. If you chose to acknowledge my daughter’s birthday or the anniversary of her death on the first year, it’s terribly gut wrenching when you didn’t bother to acknowledge the second or third or fourth. Do you think any subsequent birthday or anniversary is not as sad for me? It also says to me in very big neon lights that you’ve moved on and forgotten about my daughter.

5. Please stop with the continual comments about how lucky I am to have my other children, particularly my daughter. Do I say this to you? Then why say it to me? I’ve buried my daughter, do you seriously think I feel lucky?

6. It’s not healthy to cry in front of the kids? You’re wrong. It is perfectly healthy that they see I’m sad over their sister's death. When someone dies, it’s normal to cry. What would not be normal would be for my children to grow up and think “I never even saw my Mom sad over Ella’s death.” That would paint me in a light that would tell them it’s healthy to hide your emotions when obviously it’s not.

7. I have four children I don’t have three. If you want to ignore Ella as my third child because she’s dead go for it, but don’t do it for me. Four not three.

8. There are still some days, yes four years on, that I still want to hide away from the world and take a break from pretending everything is oh so wonderful and I’m all better. Please don’t assume I’ve thrown in the towel, or worse, actually be so thoughtless as to wonder what’s wrong with me. I still know I’ve married the catch of the century and my children are gorgeously divine and I have a beautiful house, but I’m grieving.

It’s mentally exhausting, especially raising three young children and on top of that maintaining a strong and loving marriage. Unbeknownst to you, I’m dealing with not just my own grief, but my beautiful husbands' and my two boys'.

It would be nice if you congratulated me on the state of my family because keeping it together, stable and happy, has been hard work.

9. I did notice. To the friends and family that found the entire death and dealing with my sadness all too hard and held secret events behind our backs that were lied about, stopped inviting us to things we had always been included in, and slowly ended our relationship thinking I didn’t notice: I did notice.

The only reason why I never said anything is because I’m not wasting my words on your shameful behavior. I am thankful for something though—I didn’t waste any more time on people who were capable of such shallowness and cruelty. Please don’t fear. I would be the first one by your side if the same thing happened to you. That should give you some indication of how horrible it is.

10. Grieving for a child lasts until you see them again. It’s a lifetime. If you’re wondering how long your friend or family member might be grieving for, the answer is forever. Don’t rush them, don’t trivialize their sadness, don’t make them feel guilty for being sad, and when they talk to you, open your ears and listen, really listen to what they’re telling you. It’s possible you’ll learn something.

I’ve been left repeatedly heartbroken as friends I truly loved tossed me into the "too hard" basket or—more hurtfully—the "crazy" basket. Phone calls stopped, text messages stopped, comments on Facebook stopped, and I get the same thing every time. “Sorry, darling, I’m just flat out,” “Let’s catch up soon” and “I miss you.” The list could keep going, but I get it. I’m not the type of person who is going to pursue a friendship I know the other person doesn’t want. Everyone has a conscience and thankfully I don’t have to live with theirs.

The bottom line is people are uncomfortable with the situation and I really don’t know why. My feelings tell me it is such a horrific thing that most people don’t want to know about it. Maybe they fear through knowing so much they might become obsessed with their own children dying. Parents worry enough about their children already. Do they really need the added worry about knowing how your child died?

Without question, my daughter Ella dying suddenly has been the worst thing that has happened in my 37 years here on Earth. I doubt that anything in my future is going to top it. Actually, just between us, I beg and plead with God on a daily basis that nothing ever does top that experience, but the truth is, I just don’t know.

What I’ve endured, losing my little girl, has been so unimaginably horrific that I don’t think I would survive something like it again. What I have had to give emotionally to get through it has dwindled away all my mental strength.

I'm emotionally broke, not broken. I know all the energy I’ve needed over the last four years has not just been spent on my grief for Ella. It’s also been on trying to get my friends and family to understand what it’s like to walk in my shoes. I’m angry about that. When I should have been grieving, I was defending myself.

I’m probably very close to being as angry about that as I am about her death.

Samantha Hayward is at stay-at-home married mom with four children. Tragically, four years ago, her eldest daughter Ella died suddenly at 19 days to undiagnosed Viral Myocarditis.